It’s a beautiful day out, and I’m angry and missing it.
Just this morning, I started out with a noble goal. It was just this morning, only a few hours ago! I started with my noble purpose, to create and to serve. Just having that as my aspiration makes me feel good about myself and about my life. I added something to those two ideals today that I sometimes have trouble with – just be nice to people. By two o’clock, for a number of disparate reasons, those aspirations were toast.
Sometimes when I get caught up in anger, I don’t even understand why. Then I get angry at myself for being angry, but being angry at myself cannot possibly help any situation. Somehow, I need to find a work through it when I find myself seething with anger.
How does one work through anger? There are no easy answers, but this reminds me of a book I read once. The book was not about anger, the book was about pain. At the time, I was going through a painful divorce, and although it had been quite a while since the divorce was set in motion, I was still suffering. For two years, I had wandered through bookstores looking for a book that had answers, the book that would make the pain go away.
One day, I found just such a book. What the book said about pain was that we need to learn to lean into it. Running away doesn’t work, pretending it is not there doesn’t work. Standing there staring at it doesn’t work, only leaning into it and letting it wash over you will heal you. I’ve found anger is like that, too.
I’m not saying we should live in anger, we shouldn’t. We don’t need to unnecessarily fuel it. Nor does ‘leaning into it’ mean we inflict it on others in unacceptable ways. I’m saying we have to completely own it. Leaning into it helps us understand it. This is important, because there are many reasons for anger, and the solutions are different.
For instance, Labor Day weekend, I sat on my balcony being angry at all the people who had picnics and outdoor fun to enjoy when I had nothing to do. On examination, this was rooted in self-pity. At other times, I have gotten angry at my son who won’t get off meth. This is always rooted in fear, fear of what will happen to him, and fear of how his behavior may get out of control and impact me. I sometimes get angry at work. This could be for a couple of reasons. Sometimes, it’s because decisions are being made that could adversely impact my work, or it could be because someone is disrespecting me.
Our personal relationships are another common cause of anger. In my marriages, there were legitimate reasons to be angry. One husband was abusive, one was overly-controlling. Neither behavior was acceptable. There have been other times when friends and loved ones have hurt me, times when I have experienced some sense of betrayal. Maybe a friend didn’t support me when I needed it; maybe a family member got angry at me when I didn’t deserve it.
In all these cases, once I understood the cause, I could do something about it. The solutions are as varied as the causes. If the cause is self-pity, the best way out of that is to go find someone else to help. If the cause is fear, I can work on living one day at a time. If I’m at work and disagree with decisions, I can document my concerns for future reference. If inappropriate behavior occurs, I can address that person discreetly and directly about it. If there are relationship issues, I can communicate my concerns, or if all else fails, remove myself from an unacceptable situation.
Finding solutions takes us out of being stuck in our anger. It gets us to the other side where we can find forgiveness. Sometimes it will take longer to work through this process than others, but it is always possible.
Lean in. Experience the feeling, understand the cause. Anger has a purpose. Once we discover the purpose, we can begin our journey of healing.
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