We Will Find A Way

Many days, I spend some time looking at the circumstances of my life. Supporting my grown kids, and never having any money. For so many years, I have tried to put my two younger children on the path to being self-supporting so that I can get some relief financially. Mental illness interfered. Society doesn’t recognize mental illness as a disability very well. Hence, efforts to get any financial assistance from any kind of social services have been stymied.

Of course, for many years, I myself have not been in touch with the fact that these illnesses are disabling, so I guess I shouldn’t complain. I thought, “If Dave hits bottom, or has some other kind of epiphany, he will make different choices, and he will have a normal life.” But when given the opportunity, even when Dave did make different choices, it didn’t work out. He has too much anxiety, and if he works, he has money to self-medicate. This combination always results in some sort of severe mental health crisis ending in a difficult and unpleasant trip to a psychiatric ward.

My view of Pat has been different. His mental illness is so subtle. Many, many times, I have thought, “He’s just not motivated, and if his sole aim in life wasn’t just playing video games, he could accomplish something.” Maybe to some degree that’s true, but now I do see that his mental health issues interfere with things. One day, he is on top of the world, and the next day, everything is a catastrophe. When Pat goes into “catastrophe mode”, he is really beyond the point where he is capable of doing anything. He literally becomes paralyzed. School deadlines get missed. He can fulfill no responsibility. He simply cannot move forward. He becomes suicidal. It doesn’t take much to trigger this. That’s a disability.

Hence, I have come to the conclusion that I will likely be supporting them for a very long time. That means there will never be any money. We will be able to meet only the most basic needs in life, with nothing left over for normal things like vacations and new furniture. Did you know that never in my adult life have I ever purchased any furniture except new beds? We’ve always relied on hand-me-downs from families or friends.

We are perched in a precarious balance even without those things. There will be weeks on occasion where I go all week with a dollar in my checking account. Hopefully, I don’t get overdrawn while we are at it. God forbid we have a car problem, or that a cat gets sick. We will live in a two bedroom apartment when there are three of us, my bedroom also being the living room.

On the other hand, as long as David and Patrick are with me and are reasonably safe and sane, maybe it’s worth it. It will be okay to have only a dollar in my checking account. We will find a way to manage. We have to. We always have, we always will, even when it meant the house went into foreclosure. Life went on.

We will find a way, and there is a great peace in acknowledging that.