I always imagine that some people’s lives roll smoothly, unlike mine. They go to work, they come home, they watch TV, they read a book, they work on a craft. They plan their vacations, maybe a trip out to dinner, they have fun with their friends. They might have occasional minor issues come up at work or with their kids, or sometimes they may feel something needs to be addressed with their partner. But all in all, their lives are stable.
Mine never is. Right now, I have three things on my plate. One, I’m waiting for some agent to be willing to represent me, not knowing if one ever will. Two, I’m getting ready to move this weekend to a bigger apartment. This will be a welcome change from my current circumstances, my son Patrick and I trapped in a little 288-square-foot apartment with Pat sleeping on the floor and the cats shedding all over the place. Still, it’s a change.
The third thing on my plate is the situation with my other son, Dave, with his mental health and addiction issues. Right now, Dave has been basically out on the street for three weeks, spending the last of his inheritance from his father on God-only-knows what. All I know is that three weeks ago, he had $5,000, and now he has almost nothing, and nothing to show for it. Some went to drugs. According to him, a lot got stolen. Apparently, a couple of girls needed saving and that involved his money.
When I move to the new apartment, he will return to living with me. I have no idea what shape he will be in by then. Has he been taking his medication? Does he even know where it is after all his moving around? How bad will the detox off meth be this time, and how unpleasant will he be? How am I going to support him now that he’s spent all his money?
Dealing with Dave is the most difficult thing. My strategy for that right now is to try not to think about it, like I didn’t think about the danger my son Dominic was in when he was in Iraq. Maybe that’s denial. Maybe it’s just not borrowing tomorrow’s troubles into today. Maybe both. I can only hope Dave comes back okay, or at least that he gets that way quickly and painlessly.
Last night, while facing these upcoming changes and uncertainties, I reread the book and edited it again. Seems like every time I look at it, I find something that needs to be changed, which is fine, writing is like that.
The odd thing is how I felt about the book after I read it. To my surprise, it became clear to me when I reread the book that it is actually about faith. Of course, I consciously did include some discussion of God in the book, but that wasn’t my primary purpose when I was writing it. My primary purpose was to state to the Universe and other people, “This is why I’ve had the life I’ve had.” My purpose was to relieve myself of the burden of feeling like I have been a failure at life because of the circumstances I have ended up in.
Yes, I did do that by writing the book, but read holistically, unburdening is really only the smaller part of the book. The bigger part is faith.
Apparently, I have more faith than I think I have, which is a good surprise if you are going to have one. Faith doesn’t come in screaming at you telling you this is what you have. Faith is quiet. In fact, sometimes it is utterly invisible. It sneaks in, filling in the cracks in your life without you even knowing it.
For some of us, the life-not-rolling-easy-crowd, faith provides a way to move forward. If you don’t know if you have faith but you are living your life with courage and putting one foot in front of the other no matter what, then I can assure you, Faith has crept into your quiet corners.
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